Sometimes.

I wish life was more perfect, it is pretty okay right now with my operation going well and all but I mean sometimes I just want to be able to look at myself and smile, proud of myself for once in my life. I think I rarely find people who I truely can talk to and connect with, if I do, I usually lose them really easily or they hurt me and it's happened so much over just 14 years, I find it hard to open up in general. You probably think "Ha! She thinks she's had pain, wait 'till she's in her 30s and 40s, watch how her children will one day hurt around and say they hate her or someone you truely love abandons you, watch then." I understand what I've gone through, in silence on my own, is nothing compared to some things but at the end of the day, people you thought would understand you and you trusted them with so much went and decided they hate you for silly reasons and all ganged up on you has an effect. It has happened to me many times through my life, in primary my supposed best friend made fun of me for stupid reasons and ran away from me for I don't know what reasons, I guess I hadn't known her too long then but I never done any harm in primary to anyone. Secondary was different, I never mean to hurt anyone but I guess I did deserve it, no matter what people say now. I guess I have forgiven them, they might call me names behind my back and my friends might say bad things about some people who've hurt me but I don't want to say anything bad about them, or just anything about them in general, what's done is done and I can't help how things turned out. I do regret things, some things I wish that would go away from my mind but no, I'll be fine. I am issues, I tell myself everyday and always wonder how I have any friends and especially such a amazing boyfriend, I never forget how lucky I am to have people in my life. Trust is what I seem to value most, never got as much as I wanted and if I ever told anyone anything, I'd usually get it thrown back in my face or if I spilled my soul out to someone, they'd turn away from me. Even people I don't care about somewhat hurt me just because they could've helped but decided not to and it hurts me knowing I can help a friend but at the same time, I don't know to say or my best efforts mean nothing as this person isn't really listening to what I'm saying. Some people are too self-centered with me too but I tend to try to not get attention to myself, I try not to talk about myself either, sometimes I have to and sometimes it's accidental attention.

Meh, this is long and all crap rants that make no sense, I try to be a happy person but sometimes I have to just talk like this, say it all out but not to a face or a person, guess that's why I love the internet, maybe someone will read it but it doesn't matter if no-one does, guess it's better that way anyway.